Zing Blade

Surely one of nature's most vexing ring tones is a mosquito’s high pitched whir. If the drone alone annoys enough, more bothersome still is forethought that the caller is also drilling for blood, and if successful, will leave an itchy bump as it hangs up. For the past few months such a pest has been petulantly wringing me - and its name is Mike Blade.
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Blade and I graduated from the same prep school together. Wait, that’s not entirely accurate - he merely attended. Be that as it may, even as I shooed him away then - and am now reluctantly swatting again, not long ago this same buzz-kill petitioned me to host his wedding at Evins Mill, aggressively lobbying for the best “deal” I could give him.
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Out of loyalty to the tribe - and compassion for the woman who would suffer him, I acquiesced, knowing well the ensuing interface would be pricked with bloodsucking banter. Blade would not disappoint and continues to draw blood, routinely appending parasitic wisecracks to private and public communiqués alike.
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Our exchanges inspired this abridged field guide - on how to zing and be zinged. The overarching counsel for the zinged is to understand a mosquito does not act with intent to irritate or harm, but is simply fulfilling a biological imperative. Chronic zingers act from a similar necessity, albeit psychological in kind.
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Some may be angry, while others simply feel inferior - as Blade does in my presence, but whatever the reason, a zing is a cry for help, and the zinged must respond from a place of strength and compassion. This foundational principle aside, below are a few case studies from our parries that elucidate select zing tactics and tenets.

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[In response to a post wherein I wrote "I embark upon what perhaps is a fool’s errand"]

Blade: Everytime you leave your house, it’s a “fool’s” errand.
Me: I am a fool – and wise enough to know it.

For zingers, Blade’s jab was utterly brilliant, incorporating the “four C’s” of effective zinging - curt, clever, comedic and cutting. For the zinged, the best alternative in such circumstances is often to cede the field of battle gracefully. Unless you have an ace in your pocket, a re-zing is likely to appear pathetic and grasping. Lick your wound and move on.

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[In response to a post promoting a Father’s Day Cookout wherein I playfully wrote “if you’re man enough that is”]

Blade: So I guess you won't be able to attend your own Inn's cookout...
Me: …on behalf of my clients, William Cochran and Evins Mill, please cease and desist from all such wise cracks... or you'll be hearing from our law offices….
Blade: ...the truth is an absolute defense to any defamation and/or slander action.
Me: ...for that reason our legal team is delighted that your wife has eagerly volunteered to testify in my client's defense.

Blade’s lead here was weak and left him vulnerable, which is to say, don’t zing lightly – it only eases your target’s volley. Two, if your target is male, calling his manhood into question is usually a safe bet - certainly so if Blade is the target. Three, the zinged must occasionally punch back, if for no other reason than to remind your nemesis he cannot use you as target practice.

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[In response to an essay I penned about a defeat I suffered in high school]

Blade: I thought for sure you were going to write about one of the devastating beatings I administered to you on the basketball court. You used to cry there as well.
Me: What took you so long? I expect better from you - which in your case is to say worse....

Intrinsically humorous or not, in contrast to the guttural laughter earlier zings had evoked, this one barely registered a “hardee har har har.” It was as if Blade’s daily dosage of zings had immunized me. Not entirely desensitized, I am disappointed his zings no longer itch, for laughter is cathartic, even if at your own expense.
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Such is the danger of being a one trick pony, and herein may be the most critical advice for Blade and other aspiring zingers, who would well use the zing not as an end in and of itself, but only as one means to a grittier grail, which if we're honest is the humiliation of your target - or at least a marking of territory.
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In accomplishing this end, a zing is best deployed in concert with other instruments, for relying on the zing alone renders you predictable and correspondingly limp - as Blade’s wife is sadly discovering. Since a zing is only as potent as it is unanticipated, zingers must keep their targets off-guard.
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Whether you lull them with inattention or ingratiate them with kindness, your zing will penetrate more deeply when their soft underbelly is exposed. Put another way, for the zing you plant to bear the fruit you desire, you must also till the soil. Then and only then will you be a zing master - and not just another dull blade.